The Ultimate Trial

This time last year, we were in Minnesota pleading with the pancreatic transplant team to accept our child who desperately needed a miracle.

After anxiously awaiting an answer, the team came back with a resounding and unanimous “no.”

Rebecca’s body was too sick, too weak, and too compromised to live through such an intense procedure.

The revelation of this decision became my ultimate trial.  Not the trial of whether or not I would lose my beloved child, but the trial of whether I trusted and loved this God of mine – regardless of my situation.

In the book, Every Bitter Thing is Sweet, Sara Hagerty wrote, during her struggle to conceive, a simple yet profound statement: “The Lord whispered inside my spirit as I saw it:  If you never have a family, will you still love Me?

So I presented that question from God to myself, “If Rebecca never receives healing, will you still love Me?

Would I?

Or was my love for the Lord based upon conditions that were never promised?

I wanted my love to be unconditional.

God deserved for my love to be unconditional.

But was that possible in my sin-filled state of humanity?

Matt Chandler once said in his sermon, “We don’t want Jesus– we just want His stuff.”

I didn’t want my love for God to be about stuff….what He gives me and how I respond accordingly.

In the story of the ten lepers, all ten pleaded with Jesus for healing – and Jesus granted them their desire.  But only one came back.  Only one wanted to know the real Jesus as opposed to the ‘stuff’ Jesus had to offer them.

I wanted to be the one who came back.  I wanted to know the real Jesus.

Over the last few years though, living a state of survival, I noticed a disturbing pattern in human nature:  When our lives are going well, we don’t need God.  And when our lives fall apart, we are angry with that same God.

A lose-lose for our Creator.

At no point during that cyclical pattern do we thank the Lord simply because.

Could I, without thought to my earthly ‘desires’, my ‘stuff’, or my ‘blessings,’ praise because He is God?

Could I honor Him because He is my Lord and that, and that alone makes Him worthy?

Could I love my Savior even if my child dies?

This ultimate question hung over me – haunting my spirit.

Yet at some point, during my struggling inquisition, I remembered the Lord that created my Rebecca.  I remembered the Lord that loved my child enough to sacrifice His only son.  And I remembered the Lord that gave her an eternity.

In that moment I knew, with a soul-searching knowledge, that I could love that very God enough to sacrifice my conditions.  Even if one of the conditions meant losing a piece of my heart.

My ultimate trial became my unexpected miracle gifting me with the freedom of unconditional love.

Thank you Lord.

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5 thoughts on “The Ultimate Trial

  1. This is much like Abraham putting Isaac on the altar, knowing God can raise him from the dead if He so desired, but without the covenant behind you that God would give you a lineage through Rebecca. Both a terrifying and freeing thing to lay your greatest treasure in God’s hands. Reminds me of Job’s “though He slay me, yet will I trust Him.” Rarely do believers get an opportunity like this to have their faith tested and proven (like gold refined). I’m so grateful that God chose to get Rebecca through all this, and that your faith has shone to brightly to so many. I’ve been so honored to see God working in and through your trials and your trust in our powerful God. Love you, friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Amen – loving your blog thank you.

    When my daughter Leah was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer two years ago, Job 1:22 became one of my signature Bible verses:

    “In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing.”

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I never fail to be amazed by the incredible group of people in this “club no one wants to be a part of.” I also love how “one blog leads to another,” as I followed my friend Vicky to your blog from hers. Big ((hugs)) as you travel this journey of child loss. We are 4 years into it after losing our 16 year old son. If it weren’t for the hope of heaven, I would surely not have survived. Keep leaning on Him, for He is faithful. Thinking of our children who are ALIVE in heaven. Hallelujah.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I just love this!! I too am part of this “club” . For me its been 10 years since I lost my daughter Nicole. I know heaven is beautiful because she told me so. I am so very grateful to HIM for their were many times her carried me through. close your eyes and feel the love. Our loved ones are ALWAYS with us. Sending you a big hug and know you are not alone ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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