We tried a drinking trial after Rebecca was on complete bowel rest for over 40 hours.
It was disastrous.
My daughter ended up curling herself into her mother’s arms weeping in pain. And I rocked this 5-foot 8-inch child of mine in a futile attempt to alleviate a fraction of her agony.
This is not the life I wanted for my child.
This is not the life any parent wants for their child.
I feel a burden pressed firmly upon my soul witnessing my daughter suffer. A burden heavy enough to crush any life worthy of living. A burden I was not meant to carry….
John Piper once said, “weep deeply over the life you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have.”
I weep deeply over my daughter’s pain, her relentless disease attacking her fragile and broken body. I weep over Rebecca’s missing 5 organs and twisted spine that prevents her lungs from breathing deep, unhindered breaths of air. I grieve the loss of a normal childhood for Rebecca and my abandoned boys. I grieve lost time as a family united under the same roof and crises-free moments my husband and I once had the luxury of experiencing. I grieve the loss of a happy and scheduled home in which plans, and vacations are not consistently cancelled last minute, and money does not flow like water into the cavernous abyss labeled medical expenses.
I could drown in such loss. Weighed by my burdens, crushed by unrealized dreams of how my life would and should look….
But once I have wept, grieved and accepted my losses, I have a choice to make.
And I choose to trust God.
That very same God who created me. The God who loves me. The God who turns unthinkable sorrow into unimaginable beauty.
It is time to get up from my grief-stricken pose and wash my face clean of salt-stained tears.
Time to embrace the life that I have, not the life I envisioned: A life filled with compassionate children overflowing with love, their very compassion birthed from exposure to hardship. A life filled with the transformation of lives through my broken daughter’s Wish. A life filled with great meaning and purpose, never wasting a single treasured moment. A life filled with unexpected miracles. A life I am honored to be a part of…
Thank you Lord.
Psalm 28:7, “The Lord is my strength and my shield; in Him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to Him.”